Why I use so much toilet paper.

I do use a lot compared to a normal person.  Just from the the number of trips to the toilet I take in a day (10 - 12 avg) would account for plenty of TP usage, but there is also another reason.

I was with my buddy Matt the other day having a good time talking about cars and stupid stuff when like clockwork my bowls began to grumble.  I knew it was gas trying to make it's way down to the exit shoot.  Problem is my exit shoot is angry with inflammation and like an old crotchety old man doesn't like to be bothered.  But my bowls couldn't take the increasing pressure from the build up of gas anymore.  I realize that it's normal to pass gas, everyone does it everyday, but for me passing gas hurts and is usually messy.  Messy because in order for my colon to protect itself against the inflammation copious amounts of mucus coat the lining of the inflamed areas.  So when I pass gas I usual pass the mucus too.  It turns out to be a really juice fart, literally.  Matt was particularly impressed with how juicy sounding it was and with a concerned look on his face asked if I just goobered my pants.  I hadn't and not because I didn't pass any mucus but because I had prepared by stuffing my underwear with TP.  This way the TP catches all the mucus junk and I don't soil myself.  I explained this to Matt and he asked me if I always had a wad of TP down there and I realized that stuffing my underwear had become such a daily routine that I indeed always had TP in my pants.

I know what your thinking, Dave why just get Depends and wear those around.  To be honest with you all, I have and occasionally I will.  But I still have huge reservation for wearing them all the time.  It's hard to explain why I don't. Partly the reason is that for me to wear them means that I've let the UC beat me one more time,  that it's winning.  I'm some small way I've let my UC get the better of me. I guess me not wearing an adult diaper gives me a little victory against my UC.  I can say to myself, "at least I'm not that bad that I have to wear Depends all day long." Plus I associate adult diapers with old dieing folks that live in stinky old folks homes.  So that's why I stick with the TP stuffing.  Lately I've tried to a great success folded up paper towels and stuffing with super absorbent paper sheets the kind used at hospitals as a barrier.  They all do the trick most of the time from having to change my underwear and pants.  Although I keep an extra set in my car with me all the time and yes I've had to change many times.  Sometimes I pass so much mucus that the TP just isn't enough. But most of the time I can make it to a toilet or in desperate times out in the beautiful wide open.  There are some funny stories to tell about that, but I'll save those for later.